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Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train!

Duffman can’t breathe! OH NO! Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico? I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish! Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face!

Homer no function beer well without. Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!

Human contact: the final frontier.

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. Save me, Jeebus. Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.

1. Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about!
2. You don’t win friends with salad.
3. This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.”

I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency.

Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish! You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way. Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2.

• A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.
• Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
• No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.

Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me? Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.

I’ve had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children… Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. Oh, that’s a *really* useful invention! Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.

No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it. Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box…

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get. I was saying “Boo-urns.” A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.

No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I work, I work.

Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. Can’t you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can’t be policing the entire city!

How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze. Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.” Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution. “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.

“Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion. I’ve had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children…

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get. Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.

What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man? Marge, just about everything’s a sin. Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom. Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.